Lately I have been thinking a lot about starting my senior year and how that means a lot of things coming to an end. That also got me thinking about other things in my life that have come to an end, although maybe not as recently. More specifically friendships that I had planned on lasting much longer than they actually did, and how I now need to reassure myself that I did the right thing stopping the friendship. While trying to convince myself I made the right decision I wrote this:
I miss being able to tell people how long we had been friends. I miss counting down the days until we graduated high school and how long we had until our future really began. I miss playing soccer together and getting excited about coffee afterwards. I miss taking trips together. I miss walking our dogs through the streets talking about nothing, but also everything. I miss you making yourself a part of my family and inviting yourself to family parties and not even bothering knocking when you came into my house. I miss becoming obsessed with TV shows and watching them for hours on end. I miss girl talks for what seemed like forever trying to make sense of this crazy world we live in. I miss both of us trying to push the other to new things and to try and be better at the things we already did. I miss comfortable silences. I miss knowing that you would have read this someday and it probably wouldn't have been about you, but now it is. I miss talking until two in the morning and sneaking out of the house to go for late night walk and talks. I miss the friendship we used to have.
I don't miss waiting around all day because you said we were going to hang out. I don't miss cancelling other plans to wait for you to maybe show up. I don't miss you constantly talking about our bodies and how they totally didn't look the same. I don't miss you making me feel like crap about myself. I don't miss you never wanting to go out in public with me or hang out with other people. I don't miss you making me feel like I had no hope. I don't miss you putting down my other friends behind their backs, making me question if that was how you talked about me to others. I don't miss you making me feel guilty for wanting to hang out with other people. I don't miss you complaining about yourself all the time but never making the time to listen.
I think most of all I miss the old us, the way we used to be, because I don't miss you.
I miss the idea of how perfect our friendship used to be, because I absolutely don't miss you.
Remembering all the good times I used to have definitely made me question the validity of my action to say goodbye and to cut ties. However, when I put the good times in conjunction with the terrible ones I didn't feel as much regret. I felt more closure. I felt ready to finally say goodbye old friend.